Little by Little
by lumaluma
Summary: Years after it all happened, Matthew still hasn't recovered from the events of his childhood. But with the help of Alfred, his best friend who becomes more than simply a friend, he learns to trust again. AmeCan/CanAme, M for adult language/situations. A bit of angst and a lot of fluff.


_I probably shouldn't watch movies. This is the result of watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which made me cry and gave me inspiration I shouldn't have gotten. _

_Quick warning: non-graphic descriptions of sexual abuse. _

_Also, as always, occasional bad language, alcohol use, sexual situations, and fluff. Lots of fluff. Because I can't torture my favourite characters for long._

* * *

Matthew unlocked the door to the apartment and stepped inside. "Hey, Al?"

When he didn't get a response, he shrugged. Alfred must've run into some friends after his lab. He was normally back by this time on Fridays. Matthew tossed his backpack onto the couch and sat down. Well, he could always get some of his work done in the meantime. What was the transcript he was supposed to read for that criminal justice course? Matthew checked what page number he had written on his hand before flipping to that page in the textbook. Hopefully, this case wouldn't be boring like the last one. He read a few lines before a name popped out at him and he stared at the page, unblinking, his heart rate skyrocketing. He read it again, quickly scanning the entire page before he clapped a hand over his mouth, dropping the book and running to the bathroom to throw up.

"Mattie? Dude, you okay?" Alfred got home, very inconveniently, as Matthew was still heaving his guts out into the toilet. He knocked on the bathroom door. "Are you puking in there?"

"Yeah," Matthew called. "But I'm okay."

"You sure?"

"I'm fine." Matthew flushed the toilet and rinsed out his mouth. He opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed a bottle of pills, shaking one into his hand. He swallowed it down quickly and opened the bathroom door. Alfred was still standing there, looking worried. "I must've eaten something bad at lunch, that's all."

"Okay. So, are you going to the party tonight? Francis said there's a good chance those really hot music major guys are gonna show up."

Matthew shook his head. "I probably shouldn't. I still feel kind of sick, and I don't think anyone wants me puking all over the place."

"Yeah, good point." Alfred patted Matthew on the shoulder. "You'll have time to do your homework and whatever, at least."

"True. Well, have fun."

When Alfred left again, Matthew picked the textbook back up and swallowed down the bile that rose in his throat. It was okay. He just had to read this through, and it'd be okay. He tried not to focus on the names and details too much, especially since he already knew what this case was all about. At least they had changed his name to protect his privacy, so none of his classmates would have any idea he was the victim and one of the key witnesses.

They had a photo of the criminal, and Matthew shuddered slightly. That was the last time he had seen his uncle before they put him behind bars. Eight years of abuse was enough to make Matthew sick to his stomach whenever he heard the man's name or saw his picture. That was something the therapists had never been able to fix, and also why he still had those pills. He was prone to panic attacks if something happened that reminded him too much of what he had gone through, but he still tried to avoid taking the medicine unless he really needed it.

Matthew found it hard to make friends, and was pretty surprised that he and Alfred got along as well as they did. Especially since Al liked running over and hugging people, something that would normally make Matthew freak out and start hyperventilating. Instead, he had gotten used to Alfred and his random acts of affection, as Matthew referred to them. Alfred had also been the person who helped Matthew really come to terms with his sexuality, by dragging the normally reserved Canadian to a Gay Pride parade, where Matthew had enjoyed himself much more than he thought he would. And though Alfred was the kind who'd make out with guys at parties and Matthew was more the kind to blush and look away when someone was checking him out, they got along just fine.

Matthew got his assignment done quickly and went to have a shower, feeling like he needed to scrub himself clean after remembering all of that. He had tried to move on and forget, but it was really hard. And now that the course had gotten to the section about child abuse, he was going to find it more and more difficult to sit through class without wanting to hide under his desk. They were bound to get on the topic of sexual abuse at some point, Matthew knew that when he enrolled in the course, but he figured he would just work it out when they got there. But now that they _were_ there, he didn't know how he was going to handle it. Maybe explain his situation to the prof and get excused from the next few lectures? Then again, he didn't want anyone else to know unless they absolutely had to. He was tired of everyone feeling sorry for him. He went to bed early that night, wanting to forget about everything.

Matthew woke up in the middle of the night to someone shaking his shoulder. "Matt, wake up."

He nearly panicked when he saw someone looming over his bed, and had to stop himself from screaming and lashing out at the shadow. Then the lamp on his bedside table was switched on and Matthew realised it was Alfred, apparently rather tipsy and clumsy.

"I can't undo my pants," he whined, and Matthew sighed. Sure, he was a little annoyed that Alfred woke him up for that, but he was relieved that it was just Al. It was just Al being stupid.

"Fine, come here." He rolled his eyes and undid Alfred's pants before shooing him out of the room. "Now go on, go to bed. And don't trip over anything." Matthew sighed, lying back on his bed, his heart still pounding a little.

He realised he was still ashamed that he couldn't get over what had happened.

Matthew was normal and sociable most of the time, but if anyone said or did something that reminded him of his uncle, he had to force himself to stay calm and not go into fight or flight mode. If someone came up behind him and touched his shoulder, Matthew would spin around, on the verge of panicking, only to realise that it was nothing. Just someone who wanted to give him back the pen he dropped or a friend who was trying to get his attention. He had never told anyone about what had happened to him, though. Not even his closest friends knew. Matthew figured it was better that way, since he didn't want it to get around and have everyone pitying him and talking about it behind his back. He'd much rather stay invisible than have that kind of attention. And Matthew fully intended never to tell anyone unless it was necessary.

But unfortunately, all secrets have a way of making themselves known eventually.

…

One night, after Alfred had a rough day, he came back to the apartment and flopped on the couch, proclaiming, "I want to get wasted and pretend today didn't happen."

"What happened?"

"My lab partner broke one of the really expensive pieces of equipment in the lab today, then I got a mild electric shock from a wire that wasn't properly insulated, and then I was late to my tutorial and the guy next to me spilled his stupid energy drink all over my pants. I'm sticky and gross and tired."

"Go have a shower. I'll order pizza and we can stay in and finish off that six-pack of beer, okay?"

"The six-pack we haven't even started yet?"

"You betcha."

"That's the best idea I've heard all week." Alfred sat back up. "Make it the meat lover's pizza, 'kay?"

"I wouldn't dream of getting anything else."

Of course, neither of them really thought that through well enough. The two of them being single, gay men who didn't have a particularly strong tolerance for alcohol… it was more or less asking for something to happen. Especially since there had always been a kind of tension between Matthew and Alfred that bordered on sexual. They had already had a few moments when things had almost gone further than the two of them just joking around, but only ever when they were tipsy. This time, Matthew was halfway through his third beer when Alfred took off his glasses and ran a hand through his hair, tilting his head back slightly, and Matthew felt like leaning over and kissing his neck. So he did. Alfred put a hand on the back of Matthew's neck and pulled him into a proper kiss, and that was more or less it.

They ended up making out on the couch, grinding their hips together in rocking thrusts, both of them hard and impatient. Alfred suddenly grabbed Matthew's ass without warning and he freaked out, his brain switching into panic mode. Matthew pushed Alfred off of him and fell off the couch, terrified and scrambling away as quickly as he could. The memories came back so suddenly that he couldn't help it, and he pulled his knees up to his chest, curling up to protect himself.

"Mattie?" Alfred got off the couch and kneeled next to Matthew, taking his hand. "What's wrong?"

They had both gone soft suddenly, Matthew out of pure fear and Alfred out of worry. In the space of about twenty seconds, they had both gone from being reasonably inebriated to stone-cold sober. Matthew breathed out shakily and tried to relax. This was Alfred. It was okay. He wasn't going to get hurt this time. "Sorry," he whispered, unable to speak any louder. "I freaked out."

"Why, though?" Alfred furrowed his eyebrows.

Matthew sighed. "I guess I have to tell you now." He uncurled from the little ball he had been in, pulled himself back up, and sat on the couch.

Alfred joined him. "Tell me what?"

Matthew closed his eyes for a second. "I have real trust issues when it comes to relationships because… well, I was molested as a kid."

"Oh, god."

"By my uncle," Matthew continued, and Alfred cringed.

"I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

"It was years ago, but I still haven't gotten over it. Hell, I've never even had sex since…" Matthew shook his head. "I felt like it was all my fault. My uncle asked me if there were any cute girls I was interested in, and even back then, I pretty much knew I was into guys. When I told him that, he started… doing things. He said that if I ever told anyone, my mom and dad would get into big trouble, and I believed him. I was five, how was I supposed to know better? So, when my uncle babysat me whenever my parents were out for the night or something, I'd just have to lie there and take it."

Matthew breathed in deeply, calming himself for a moment. "It was horrible and it hurt like hell, but I didn't know what was happening or why he was doing it. All I knew was that it hurt more than anything else I'd ever felt. One weekend, my parents went out of town and left me with a babysitter. She wasn't supposed to show up until the evening, so my uncle was 'watching' me. The babysitter came a little early and she saw… yeah. She literally beat him within an inch of his life with a frying pan, and then she called the cops and held onto me and cried until they showed up. She was a really sweet girl and had been my babysitter for years. I felt sorry that she had to find out about that, but I was really just happy that someone made it all stop."

Alfred had put an arm around Matthew's shoulders while he talked, and when Matthew was done, he pulled Matthew into a hug. "God, Mattie… I'm so, so sorry. Your uncle was one fucked-up, sick, twisted bastard."

"Yeah, I know."

Alfred kissed Matthew on the cheek. "I'm sorry for scaring you like that, by the way. It's just… I didn't know."

Matthew shook his head. "It's okay. There's no way you could've known about that. Honestly, you're the first person I've told who wasn't a therapist." He sighed. "I know I should put it all behind me and just move on with life, but it's tough. There aren't all that many people I really trust."

"I don't blame you. Anyone would have a tough time getting over that. Hell, if anything, you're doing a great job." Alfred squeezed Matthew a little, leaning his head against Matthew's for a moment. "Want me to make some hot cocoa for us?"

"Sure. That sounds great."

The next morning, Matthew wasn't entirely sure if last night was purely a product of the alcohol or if Alfred actually felt something for him. He didn't exactly go around kissing people on the cheek or sitting there and letting them pour their hearts out very often. And Matthew was never one to sit down with someone and tell them about his rather traumatic childhood. If it hadn't been Alfred there with him, Matthew knew he wouldn't have said anything. But he could actually trust Alfred. Hugs from him didn't feel oppressive. He didn't feel like he was trapped when Alfred decided he wanted to give him a big bear hug. In fact, he found those rather comforting.

When Alfred came out of his bedroom, picked up the coffee Matthew had made for him and smiled, he didn't act any differently than usual. Well, that answered his question. Matthew was about to turn back to his cereal and coffee when Alfred made some strange kind of sound, like he was in the middle of saying something when he closed his mouth to shut himself up. Matthew looked up, raising his eyebrows, and Alfred leaned over to kiss him. Oh. Matthew closed his eyes, letting himself get lost in the kiss for a moment. When Alfred pulled back, he looked at Matthew for a second before blushing and taking a sip of his coffee.

"I'm gonna go have a shower now, and then I gotta go to work." Alfred worked at an electronics store on the weekends, and Matthew had a job at the university's newspaper as an editor. Between the two of them, they managed to scrape together enough money to live by while still being full-time students.

"Have fun. I'll be heading down to the newsroom in a couple hours."

"If you see the guys on the engineering newsletter, let them know that we got that interview with the guy from Mythbusters for me, will ya?"

"Sure thing." When Alfred left the room, Matthew smiled to himself. He was starting to be pretty sure he could handle being in a relationship with Alfred.

…

Luckily, Alfred didn't pressure Matthew for anything, anything at all. When they were kissing, he was always careful and slow in his movements, never doing anything sudden. The first time he undid Matthew's pants, he left his own pants completely done up until Matthew, feeling braver than usual, reached over and pulled Alfred's belt off. Alfred had stopped for a moment, and once he was apparently sure that Matthew was okay, pulled him even closer before slipping his hand into Matthew's pants.

Matthew had already learned that Alfred's impulsive attitude led him to do random things like get up two hours early and attempt to deep-fry French toast for breakfast, but he didn't know that Alfred's spontaneous behaviour carried over into sex. That came as a surprise to him when one day, Alfred got home from class and decided to give Matthew an impromptu blow job on the couch. Matthew had been watching the news on the television at the time, so when Alfred suddenly knelt down in between his legs, he gave Alfred a confused look. Of course, once Alfred had pulled Matthew's pants out of the way and had taken Matthew into his mouth, Matthew realised what he was doing and could do little more than moan and run his fingers through Alfred's hair. It was the first time anyone had ever done that for him and was quite possibly the best thing he had ever felt. He came embarrassingly quickly, and apologised to Alfred afterwards, but Al just shook his head, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and grinned.

"Don't worry 'bout it. I'm really good at giving head." He winked at Matthew before kissing him quickly and hopping to his feet. "So, I'm gonna make dinner now. You good with eating chicken?"

"Sure." Matthew was still recovering from his orgasm a bit, and he closed his eyes for a minute. Alfred, though he was terrible at reading the atmosphere in normal social situations, had an almost uncanny sense for figuring out exactly what Matthew liked. It had only taken him a few days to discover that Matthew _really_ liked having his nipples played with, something that had come as a bit of a surprise to both of them. He also learned how Matthew liked to be kissed almost right away, and Matthew couldn't help but lean in to prolong it whenever they kissed. He opened his eyes again when Alfred sat back down on the couch next to him.

"Hey, Mattie?" he sounded a little nervous.

"Yes?"

"There's something I wanna ask you. If you don't want to, it's totally okay, and I won't bring it up again."

"Okay…"

"Well, I was thinking maybe you'd want to… you know." Alfred jerked his head a little to one side. "Go all the way?"

Matthew bit his lip. That was the one thing he was still nervous about. He didn't want to get hurt again. "I… I don't know," he replied timidly.

"Like I said, if you don't want to, that's fine. You can tell me whenever you're ready. If you're ever ready, I mean." Alfred shrugged. "I'll bottom, if you want. I like both ways, and hell, sex is sex."

"Oh." Suddenly, the whole thing seemed a lot less scary. "That might not be so bad."

"M'kay. Just take your time thinking about it, all right?" Alfred looked back towards the kitchen. "And the chicken's burning. Fuck." He jumped off the couch. "Please don't go off, smoke alarm! I'll love you forever if you stay quiet!"

Matthew turned around to watch Alfred run into the kitchen and open a window, fanning the smoke from the slightly blackened chicken away with a towel. He couldn't help but smile to himself. Maybe this whole thing would be fine. He hadn't had a panic attack in over a month, and the one time he had come close to curling up in a little ball and hiding from the world, Alfred had stepped in and taken Matthew's hand and told him everything was going to be okay. Matthew had let himself trust Alfred, and sure enough, everything was okay. Maybe this next step would be like that. If he could trust Alfred and stay calm, nothing bad would happen.

They had started going to bed together, even though they hadn't gone further than jerking each other off before Alfred decided to give Matthew that surprise blow job. That night, Alfred turned off the light before flopping down next to Matthew and kissing him on the nose. "G'night."

"Good night." Matthew kissed Alfred on the cheek, and both of them rolled over to sleep. Matthew waited to see if Alfred was going to do anything, and when he didn't, Matthew asked, "Didn't you want to…?"

"Huh?"

"You know… what you asked me earlier."

"Oh, yeah." Alfred laughed softly. "You know, we don't hafta do it right away, Mattie. There's no rush."

"Right." Matthew's cheeks heated up slightly, even more so when Alfred kissed the back of his neck.

"Unless you really want to, I mean…" Matthew glanced over his shoulder to see Alfred smirking at him, and he put a pillow over his face.

"You're mean to me."

"And you're funny. Now c'mon, let's go to sleep. I got an idea for something I wanna try tomorrow."

"Heaven help us, you have an idea."

"Now who's being mean, huh?" Alfred draped an arm over Matthew's waist, something Matthew had been growing more and more accustomed to lately. It no longer made him tense up in fear when he felt Alfred's hands touch him someplace he didn't expect, in fact, he had started to look forward to it. That was a big step for him, even though it was really something quite small.

…

Matthew was still a little nervous a couple weeks later when he kissed Alfred on the couch. They had just eaten dinner, and he figured it was as good a time as any. Alfred, however, pulled back and asked, "Are you sure about this?"

"Of course I'm sure."

"You're kind of shaking. It's okay if you're not ready, you know." Alfred kissed Matthew on the forehead. "We can take this as slow as you need to, okay? Baby steps."

"Right. Baby steps." Matthew sighed. "I just don't want to be scared about this anymore."

"If you're really sure…"

"I am. I'm okay."

Alfred bit his lip. "Well… you'd better take charge. If something freaks you out, you need to be able to stop right away. That fine with you?"

"Yeah."

Alfred stood up and held a hand out to Matthew. "What are we waiting for, then? C'mon."

Matthew took Alfred's hand, swallowing down the anxiousness in his throat. He could do this. Alfred wanted him to do this. He wasn't going to back out now, not when he'd come so far.

They lay down in bed and just kissed for a while, Alfred slowly coaxing Matthew to touch him, to take off his clothes. When they were both naked and hard, Alfred rolled over onto his side, facing away from Matthew. "Normally I'd go ahead and get myself ready, but I think you should do it this time."

"Okay…"

"Lube's in the bedside table. Second drawer down."

"Right." Matthew got it out and spread some on his fingers. "I've never…"

"I know. Don't worry, I'll tell you what to do. One finger at a time."

Matthew smiled. "I know _that_ much." He gently slid a finger into Alfred, kissing the back of his neck. "Like this?"

"Yeah," Alfred breathed. "There's a spot that—ohh… shit, that's good. Right there, okay?"

"Okay." Matthew pressed his finger against that spot, watching Alfred squirm against the bedsheets, the muscles of his shoulders tensing and relaxing as Matthew rubbed over his sweet spot over and over again. Alfred closed his eyes, moaning softly.

"Nnh, Mattie… just like that." Alfred guided him through adding a second and third finger, but on the third, he winced a little. Matthew was about to pull his fingers out and apologise, his heart thumping far too quickly in his chest, when Alfred looked over his shoulder and put a hand on Matthew's arm. "Hey, hey. It's okay, everything's all right. I just tensed up by accident." He breathed in deeply before relaxing again. "There we go…"

"Sorry, I-"

"Shh. I want this." Alfred took Matthew's free hand and squeezed it lightly. Matthew reached around and gripped Alfred's cock, and he could tell Alfred wasn't kidding. He ran his fingers up and down, his fingers getting slightly sticky with precum. Alfred leaned back into Matthew. "I think I'm good." He pressed the curve of his back into Matthew's chest and pushed his hips back.

Matthew pulled his fingers out, breathing in deeply for a second to calm himself. He guided his cock to Alfred's entrance before letting himself sink inside, gently, carefully, so slowly that it was driving him nuts. But it was for Alfred, who was arching his back, his breath catching slightly, tinged with pain. Alfred closed his eyes, releasing a long breath, and Matthew pressed soothing kisses to the back of Alfred's neck. The last thing in the world that he wanted was to hurt Alfred like that.

When Alfred pushed back against him, Matthew began slowly, almost tentatively rocking his hips forward, and he had to bite back a moan. Oh, god. _This _was what he had been missing? It was so wet and warm and tight, and he could feel Alfred's muscles clenching around him. He angled himself slightly so he hit that spot inside of Alfred, and was rewarded with a muffled moan. Alfred tilted his head back slightly and Matthew kissed his neck, feeling Alfred's quickened pulse beneath his lips. For him, this was all about making sure Alfred wasn't hurting, making sure he wasn't being selfish about this.

Alfred leaned back, rocking with each of Matthew's thrusts, his breath catching in his throat again, but with pleasure this time. Matthew could feel the pressure building inside of him, and he sped up just slightly. This wasn't fucking. This wasn't just about getting his rocks off. He wanted Alfred to feel every bit of pleasure that he was feeling. Alfred certainly seemed to be enjoying himself, in any case, his cock leaking precum onto the bedsheets, his breath coming in hiccupping gasps. He clenched down on Matthew suddenly, crying out and trembling as he came, reaching behind himself to pull Matthew's face to his and kiss him.

Everything got even tighter, and Matthew was close to follow behind. It was the most pleasure he had ever felt in his life, and he dropped his head down onto Alfred's shoulder and moaned, unable to do anything but lay there and let his orgasm take its course. Alfred's hand ran through his hair, and he kissed the top of Matthew's head.

"Hey," he murmured, "You okay?"

Matthew nodded, worried that if he tried to say anything, it wouldn't come out properly. He lifted his head up and kissed Alfred after a moment. "Yeah. Thank you."

Alfred scooted away a little, and Matthew's cock slid out of him. He bit his lip at the movement, he was so oversensitive. Alfred turned back over and kissed Matthew on the forehead. "Thanks for what?"

"I don't feel scared anymore. There was a second there, where you winced, and I almost…" he trailed off, shaking his head. "But you stopped me from freaking out."

"You're welcome, I guess." Alfred shrugged. "I just haven't bottomed in a while, so it took a little longer than usual for me to loosen up."

It was strange, Matthew thought, that Alfred could be so casual about all of this. Could he ever get to that point? He'd have to trust Alfred with everything if he wanted to get there. Having someone see him at his most vulnerable was normally terrifying, but when Matthew thought about having Alfred take him, it didn't seem like a horrible nightmare.

"I think that someday…" Matthew trailed off for a moment, and Alfred raised his eyebrows.

"Someday?"

"I might want to bottom to you."

Alfred looked surprised at first, but then he smiled. "That's great. We'll work up to that, okay? I mean, you probably haven't put anything up there, ever. And I won't lie, the first time hurts. But if you get used to it first, then it's not so bad." He shrugged. "My first time, I had already fingered myself and stuff before, so it wasn't really all that bad."

"Okay." Matthew kissed Alfred and smiled at him.

Alfred smiled back and pushed Matthew's hair out of his face. "Now let's go shower." When they stood up, Alfred looked at the bed and made a face. "I'm gonna change the sheets, too. I don't wanna sleep in that mess tonight."

"Me either."

In the shower, Matthew let Alfred wash him, and he thought about the whole thing. Sex didn't have to be about control and it definitely didn't have to hurt anyone. It could be slow and gentle and wonderful. Matthew held in a giggle when Alfred washed his sides, and Alfred grinned at him. "Oh, so you're ticklish?"

"Only a little." Matthew smiled and kissed Alfred. Sex could be about expressing love, about a physical and emotional desire to be close to another person. "You know what?"

"What?"

"Sex is pretty great."

…

After a while, Matthew learned to trust Alfred with everything. He was at his monthly visit with his therapist when the man asked how his relationship was going. Matthew smiled. "It's great, actually. He really seems to understand, you know?"

"That's good."

"Yeah. He's never once pushed me for anything I didn't want, and if I ever say no to something, he drops the subject and doesn't pressure me for it at all. That's… kind of what the deal-breaker was with other guys."

"And you haven't had any panic attacks recently?"

"Nope. There have been a couple times where I came close, but I calmed myself down." Matthew smiled. "It's really nice, being able to go out in public and not freak out all the time. It's better when Al's there, actually. He knows how to calm me down, and… I guess I feel safer if he's there. I know he'll make sure nothing bad happens."

Matthew thought on that for a moment, and his therapist just let him think. In reality, Alfred had never hurt Matthew. He had never forced Matthew to do anything he wasn't comfortable with. If he was horny and Matthew wasn't, he'd just sigh and flop on the bed and snuggle Matthew, resigning himself to not getting sex. Sometimes, Matthew would even pretend to not be in the mood just so he could surprise Alfred by suddenly pulling him into a kiss and grinding their groins together. He had a little too much fun with that sometimes, because Alfred always got so desperate for it, and he'd moan and squirm with each of Matthew's touches, begging him for more.

He was okay with Alfred sneaking up on him and hugging him from behind, and he had gotten used to Alfred grabbing his ass suddenly, because he'd always kiss Matthew's cheek playfully and proclaim, "Dat ass!" before running away and laughing when Matthew would blush and turn around. It took a little while, but Matthew was soon able to close his eyes when he was with Alfred and not think of anything except Al, even when he bottomed and it hurt a little at first. He could just breathe in deeply, listen to Alfred's voice and his breathing, and relax. Matthew knew what was going to come, how Alfred knew what he liked and how he liked it, and how Alfred wanted it to be good for him too. He wasn't a selfish lover, luckily for Matthew.

"I'm really happy I have him in my life," Matthew murmured, and his therapist nodded.

"Well then, if you don't need to talk about anything else…"

"Actually, there is one thing." Matthew swallowed a bit nervously before looking up. "I think I might want to go see my uncle."

"He's still in prison, isn't he?"

"Yeah. If I visit him, I think… well, it might help me stop feeling so scared of him."

Matthew's therapist looked at his watch. "We'll discuss this more next session, all right? I'm not disagreeing with you, but we'll need to make sure you're ready for that."

"Yeah, I know. Don't worry." Matthew stood up and shook his therapist's hand. "Well, I'll see you next month."

"Yep. Have fun."

When Matthew got home, Alfred was in the kitchen, looking a little confused. "Why didn't that work?"

"What did you break?"

"Nothing. I'm trying to make M&M brownies but it's not working." He tilted his head. "Hey, why'd you think I broke something, anyways?"

"Oh, no reason, Mr. Broke-the-dishwasher-last-week." Matthew looked over at Alfred's messy creation. "You know you just press them into the top, don't you?"

"What? Seriously? So you don't have to alter the recipe or anything?"

"Nope. It's like with cookies."

"Dude. Biggest revelation of the year!" Alfred kissed Matthew on the cheek. "Thanks, Mattie. Now they're gonna turn out good!"

Matthew rolled his eyes, smiling. "Proof that being good at chemistry and being a good cook don't go hand in hand."

"Hey, shaddup. Besides, I'm not taking chemistry anymore!"

"I know. I'm just joking."

Matthew went to the bedroom to work on his homework, and after Alfred had gotten the improved brownies into the oven, he joined Matthew on the bed and cuddled up to him. "Your sweater is really soft."

"And you're nice and warm." Matthew pushed his assignment off to the side and rolled over, kissing Alfred on the cheek. Alfred smiled and buried his head in Matthew's sweater.

"Seriously, I could fall asleep using you as a pillow."

"You shouldn't, though. Dessert is still baking."

"Mehh… I wanna nap," Alfred mumbled, wrapping his arms around Matthew's chest. "And now you can't go anywhere."

"Oh dear. Whatever shall I do? My boyfriend wants to use me as a pillow. Somebody save me."

Alfred chuckled into Matthew's chest. "Nice sarcasm. But I think you'll have to layer on the damsel-in-distress act a _little_ thicker than that if you want someone to come rescue you."

"Not necessary. I've already got my hero right here."

Alfred looked up, turned bright red, and hid his face in Matthew's chest again. "Oh, man. You gotta warn me before you say something like that, Mattie."

"Why?"

"Because… because. Jeez." Alfred sighed. "I can't really handle that sort of thing out of the blue."

Matthew laughed softly, running a hand through Alfred's hair. "And you say that I'm cute. Hey, how long is it until the brownies are done?"

"Probably twenty-ish minutes. Why?"

Matthew rolled them over and hovered above Alfred slightly. "Just wondering." He kissed Alfred, reaching down to undo Al's belt. He scooted further down on the bed as he pulled Alfred's belt off, and Alfred sat up a little.

"Are you gonna-" he cut himself off with a breathy moan as Matthew palmed him through his pants.

"Shh," Matthew whispered. He pulled Alfred's pants and boxers out of the way, wrapping a hand around the base of his cock. Alfred's head flopped back on the bed, and he bit his lip when Matthew licked the head of his erection. He hesitated for only a second before taking Alfred into his mouth, sliding down as far as he could. Alfred breathed in shakily, his abs clenching as Matthew held his hips still.

"Jesus, Matt… you don't gotta—ah!" Alfred gripped the blanket in his hands as Matthew licked that one spot under the head of his cock that always made him moan.

Matthew hollowed in his cheeks, bobbing his head up and down, looking up when one of Alfred's hands stroked his cheek gently. This was one of the things he hadn't been able to do at first, but he trusted Al. There was no way Alfred would hurt him, not when he was looking down at him like that, his cheeks flushed, his eyes half-lidded behind glasses that were slipping down his nose slightly. Matthew felt Alfred throb inside his mouth and his hips jerk up slightly.

"Nnh, sorry Mattie," Alfred mumbled, his hand dropping from Matthew's face to the bedsheets, curling into a fist. He was getting close, Matthew could tell. So he sped up, taking Alfred as deep as he could without gagging, able to taste Al's precum as it leaked onto his tongue. He looked up at Alfred and met his eyes for a moment, just as he ran his tongue over that one super-sensitive spot, and that was it for Al. He arched his back, moaning Matthew's name as he came down his throat, and Matthew swallowed it all, despite the not-so-pleasant taste, just to see Alfred's face when he pulled off.

He crawled back over Alfred and kissed him, blushing a little bit when Alfred mumbled something about 'missed a spot' and wiped the corner of Matthew's mouth with his thumb. Alfred sighed and pulled Matthew on top of him, hugging him close. "That was awesome."

"Thanks, I guess." Matthew tried to just shrug it off like it was nothing, but Alfred pushed one of his legs in between Matthew's thighs and pressed it against his crotch.

"You're hard." Alfred winked at Matthew. "Want me to take care of that?" Just then, a timer went off in the kitchen, and Alfred glared at the bedroom doorway. "Dammit. Sorry, baby."

Matthew shook his head. "Go save the food. Besides, you can always make it up to me later tonight, right?"

"You betcha, sweetheart." Alfred kissed Matthew on the cheek before wiggling out from underneath him and heading off to the kitchen.

Matthew just smiled and lay back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. It was almost funny, how he didn't ever worry about those kinds of things anymore. The one time he had gone down on Al and he had bucked his hips up and Matthew gagged, it didn't really bring back any horrible memories, but Alfred had still apologised over and over and made Matthew stop. He had hugged Matthew and refused to let Matthew finish him off, saying he couldn't let himself get away with something like that. That had been a surprising day for Matthew, and also the day he really realised that Al would never hurt him.

A minute later, Alfred came back to the bedroom. "They're done! But you aren't." He crawled over Matthew, kissing him on the forehead. "So, what do you want?" He asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

…

After a couple more months, and plenty of talks with his therapist about it, Matthew went to visit his uncle in prison one weekend. He was taken to a row of chairs in front of a glass wall, where a couple other people were already seated, talking to people on the other side of the wall through telephones. One woman had her hand pressed up against the glass, the man on the other side doing the same. It looked like they were mother and son. Matthew sat down, and it was only a couple minutes until they brought his uncle out.

He didn't look very different, just older and more tired. When he saw Matthew and recognised who he was, he covered his face with his hands and burst into tears. They hadn't seen each other since the trial, when Matthew was still just a terrified boy. Eventually, his uncle picked up the telephone receiver, and Matthew followed suit.

"You've grown up."

"Well, I am twenty-one."

"Still, you're a real man now."

Matthew realised he was now taller than his uncle. "I guess so. Growing up does that to people."

A couple minutes of silence passed, and Matthew's uncle sighed. "I know it doesn't really make a difference now, but I am sorry for what I did."

"I don't know if I can forgive you. At least, not yet. But I've been putting it all behind me, thanks to therapy. I'm not even taking antidepressants anymore."

"That's good."

"Yeah, it is."

"Do you have anyone? A significant other?"

Matthew nodded, pulling out his wallet. He had put a picture of Alfred in there for this very purpose. He held it up, showing his uncle. "Yeah. This is him. His name's Alfred."

His uncle smiled. "He's a good-looking young man."

"He is. And his personality is just as beautiful." Matthew smiled fondly at the picture for a moment before putting it away. "I can trust him."

"I'm glad I didn't ruin you when it comes to love."

Matthew sighed. "It took a while, but now I trust Al with my life. He's the first one I've really felt comfortable with."

They talked for a while, about the things that had been going on outside the prison. Good things, bad things, everything. Somewhere along the line, Matthew realised he wasn't scared of this man anymore. He had done some awful things, yes, but he was serving his time for them, and Matthew was strong enough to move past it. After a while, Matthew glanced at the clock.

"I should probably get going, now."

"Well, if you're going… I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I did to you. Of all the things I've done, that's what I regret the most."

Matthew nodded. "I know. And maybe someday, I'll be able to forgive you."

When he stepped outside of the jail and was getting into his car, he texted Alfred that he was on his way home. Almost right away, Alfred called him.

"Hey, how'd it go?"

Matthew smiled. "It went well."

"That's great! Anyways, you know how I was doing some lab work today? Well, someone nearly blew up one of the labs! Stupid chemical engineers… anyways, someone didn't turn off the gas when they were done using a Bunsen burner, and then when someone went to turn it on again, there was a mini-explosion and we all had to evacuate! Right in the middle of my calculations, too. Stupid fuckers."

Matthew just laughed. "Sounds like quite the story. Do you want to grab some coffee?"

"Yeah, sounds great! Swing by the library and pick me up, will ya?"

"Sure thing. See you then."

"Bye, Mattie!"

"Bye." Matthew hung up, shoving his phone back in his pocket.

He parked the car back at the apartment and then walked to the university library to get Alfred. They held hands while walking down the street, Alfred talking about the lab he was working on and how he couldn't figure out what the last part was supposed to be.

When they were in the café, drinking their coffee, Alfred launched back into the story about the explosion. This time, he told it in great detail, and a little too loudly. Matthew just sat there and listened, leaning on his hand. He realised that he really did love Alfred, and zoned out for a minute, thinking about that. Alfred got his attention by leaning their foreheads together and poking his cheek.

"Hey, Mattie."

Matthew kissed him on an impulse, and Alfred blushed. Matthew thought it was cute how Alfred always got embarrassed whenever he initiated the affection. When they left the café, holding hands again, Alfred asked, "Do you need to talk about visiting your uncle?"

Matthew shook his head. "No, not really."

Alfred nodded and dropped the subject, instead smiling at Matthew. He always smiled so brightly…

"I love you," Matthew said. It just kind of slipped out.

Alfred stopped walking, staring at Matthew for a second. "Really?" When Matthew nodded, his face lit up and he pulled Matthew into a big hug, kissing him. "I love you too!"

He held onto Matthew for a long time, practically cuddling him in the middle of the street. Until Matthew pointed that out. "Al, we're kind of in public…"

"Oh, right." Alfred let go of Matthew, but still held his hand. "C'mon then, let's go home!" he walked off, pretty much dragging Matthew down the street. Matthew just laughed and shook his head, following after Alfred.

Sure, they were getting weird looks from other passersby, but Matthew didn't care. He had never felt better.

* * *

_Thank you for reading! Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated._


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